Letting go in 1... 2... 3... (FINAL)

(One month has passed...)

I realized that a lot of people go through life in a harder way when they have memories at a certain place that they used to go or something, but for me, it's my laptop! My phone, my iTouch, my social networks! Ugh! It's so sad because I use these things everyday and it doesn't really help you know?!

My heart still breaks and I'm not gonna lie. I still get upset, cry, or think that I will never move on and be happy again. Pero sabi nga ng friend ko, to be able to get through this is NOT by ignoring your feelings but to embrace it. It might be a tough thing to do but I guess things will just follow as you see yourself embracing the facts, letting go of everything, and start welcoming all the new things in your life. Alam ko naman na I will be okay someday... that I will no longer think about the past, and I will be happy and free like a bird! 

Ugh! I just wish that sometimes he wouldn't have to be so cold, you know? We didn't even end the relationship in a bad way.... meh whatevs! WHATEVER! HAHA

*FROM NOW ON - after this post NO MORE! ENOUGH! I have to set myself free and be happy for myself. I will focus on the things that I love to do and the people who were there from the start... and of course the new people that I will meet!

Like I said before, IF it's God's will for us to meet in the future, then it is God's will! I will no longer think about these things. Si God na bahala dito. For sure He knows what He's doing kaya ngyayari itong mga ito, right? :)

Don't lose hope, Camille. You'll be okay real soon! :) 

I am thankful for

I am such a fail when it comes to blogging. I know I just started with the whole new segment thing but I can't keep up with the everyday update! And because of that I will sum up my updates in one blog whenever I update. I think that's better. Haha I wouldn't have to feel obligated to post everyday! 

This is has been one of my busiest and exciting week. For some reason I would always end up having a lakad even though I have work on the same day. Usually when this happens, I wouldn't go out because it would be very hassle to go to work – either I'll be late or I'll be too tired.

Monday 17th:

• RichmondReview Interview
• Lunch with Carlo and Martin in the Foundation, ordered Pesto Imprisoned and it was so delicious!
• Got myself a bible and a cloth scapular rosary
• Menchie's Froyo
• 7pm dinner with the Biz boss and workmates at a Thai restaurant

Tuesday 18th:

• Met up with ate Joy, chilled at Starbucks, and went to Oakridge mall to eat lunch
• 6pm shift at DQ

Wednesday 19th: 

• work at Biz

Thursday 20th: 

• went to metro with Jhanina
• bought some new clothes and loafers at F21
• dinner at Steveston for dad's bday

Friday 21st: 

• work at Biz
• Campus Based GA
• Martin, Krystel, and I walked around Burnaby only to find out the Bubble World was full, had to go back to 22nd street and decided to eat in STea
• Dinner at 1am, YES YES YO!
• Walked Krystel to her house which was 15-20mins walk and it was at 2am already
• Martin and I took a cab and got home around 2:45am
• FUN-YOLO-DAY!

Saturday 22nd: 

• Yfc collective at 12pm
• Church at 6pm
• Dinner at White Spot with the Macalisang sibs, Christine & Michelle Buyser, and Alexis

Sunday 23rd: 

• dance at 3pm
• adrian, martin, and kris went by the house and had lunch
• we then went to richmond centre to buy bubble tea

Last week was such a lakwatsa week and now I am trying to stay at home more often because I am SO broke! I don't even know when I can have enough money again to pay my credit card in full. I have to stop spending so much and going out because it's not helping at all.

Anyway, more updates soon! I have so many things to tell but I just don't know where to start! :P

Things to be thankful for 01

I will start a new segment on my blog and it's called, "Things to be thankful for today". I got this idea from ate Joy (who was my teacher back in high school). She told me that one of the ways that helped her moved on from her last relationship was to count each blessings that she received/encountered in her everyday life. It doesn't have to be extravagant, kahit small little things lang that made you happy/smile.

So here's mine for today:

• was able to finish a design that wasn't a business card design and our client liked it
• yfc famjam, i still have that post HLT camp feeling
• cc/crush, whenever i see his pictures online, i can't help but get all kilig! oo, mababaw ako! guilty as charge! ;) 
• very supportive friends all over the world

What's yours? :)

today's realization:

Being in a situation where everything is so fresh, I know that from time to time I will be upset. I will cry like there's no tomorrow but I will try my very best to not grieve so much because it was over.

I am excited to see what God has in store for me

Today, I've decided that as early as now I should start opening my eyes, my heart, and my mind to the new things that are and will be coming my way. And plus, this is not the only thing that can make me happy and definitely not the only thing that can complete me, right?

In all honesty, yes I am scared. I fear that I won't be able to go on with my life without this person. I fear that I wouldn't be as happy or as complete without him by my side. That I will be alone forever or I wouldn't be able to find somebody who will love and treat me the way he did. 

Pero sabi nga ng friend ko, "Life is all about taking risks, taking chances, and letting things happen unexpectedly. Sometimes if you plan, yun pa yung hindi natutupad. Life is full of surprises..." 

TAMA, diba?!

I know that I am stronger than this, that I am better. And, that is why I decided that I am going to accept God's will no matter how hard or how long it takes. I know that He won't abandon me just like that. I know that He has a greater plan for me and this is just a part of His challenges that I need to go through so that in the future I can handle this way better than I did before. Or even, I wouldn't have to go through all these at all.

I have no regrets. I loved him with all my heart and I guess I will always do. He wasn't only just a boyfriend... he was my best friend. Despite the distance, he was always there for me. He was able to inspire me, guide me, teach me, remind me, and made me become the person i am now. If given a chance that our paths will meet again, and the feelings are still there, then maybe. I guess by that time it is God's will na that we are for each other talaga. 

But as for now, I am going to focus with myself, my career, my relationship with my family, friends, and God.

Anyway, I found this poem online and I thought that I should share it. :)

SET MYSELF FREE  

A sigh but not flowing with relief

A mind thats in its height of disbelief  

Clouded thoughts that love to be lost 

Lost in a bitter sweet defeat 

Like a charm that cannot be broken 

Or a lock for that there can be no key 

These feelings are overtaking 

My body and mind in a constant aching 

Waiting for someone or something to impact  

A calm salvation that will leave my soul intact 

A shake, a kick, a heavy hand 

Anything to release me from this quicksand 

Alas, nothing comes, no life changing act 

When will this story have an impact? 

Life is what you make it I hear everyone say 

But the route of the cause seems so adament to stay    

For it seems that I am the only one to set myself free 

One step at a time, it's a new beginning for me

when i need you the most

Here's another night for me to go through. Another night where I'm missing you so much but I can't do anything about it. I always feel like I'm going through this alone because whenever I need you you're not there.

Seriously, God, when is my time? When is our time? Haven't we showed enough patience already?

September is coming up fast and a new challenge is waiting for us. I don't know what to feel about it. I am not ready for it. Having to spend a lesser time these past few months was a challenge already, and now this?

God help me. Sana naman po wag puro challenges. Sana give us a chance to see each other again. ;(

Haii... I'm sad. I want to cry. I want to close my eyes and hope that when I open my eyes again you'll be here by my side.

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I know you won't let me down

I will stop being negative and worry when there’s no final decisions yet. I will live by what I have right now and be thankful for everything.

I know You will not let me down. And, I know that You know what’s best for me so I trust you.

P.S. I really hope that this is just a phase because You know how much this means to me.

One more chance

after the four days of extreme roller coaster ride, i am glad that things are okay now and that i can breath and sleep better na rin.

what happened was something that i am not proud of, but i definitely learned my lesson. nadala na ika nga – nadala sa mga pangyayari. and, even though i posted on my twitter and on my statuses that "the only way to forget is to accept and move on", i cannot hide the fact that i am still ashamed with my actions. i feel like i cannot face his friends who knew about it. i feel like my image was damaged... well i bet it really did.

i'm only human, and i make mistakes too. 

god knows how much i love him, how much i care. god knows that i think about him every single day, every minute of every second. god knows all plans with him. and, god knows that even with His ways of distractions or phases, it/they can never make me love him any less. 

i am so thankful that god and yo gave me another chance. another chance to be better, to be more responsible and to be more aware with my actions. another chance to show him how important he is to me and how much i value him.

"i would rather lose my vices than to lose him"

i cannot see my life without him – not that i'm dependant, but he's my everything. it hurts to even hear or read whenever he says that maybe our relationship won't really work out or maybe there's someone better... or whatnot. for me (even if i am trying not to fully force myself to think like this but i think), he's the one. he's one of a kind! especially with the generation that we live in, i think it's hard to find someone like him. and, plus we connect in so many ways! good or bad!

... so, for this second chance, i will stay away from my vices and will always keep in mind what i have, who i have, and my limitations.

- - - - - - 

even though i still feel like it's not the right time to show how much i care, i still made this because after all that happened it made me realized that he's someone very special to me. 

forgetting and accepting my fault(s) will be a long process to fully move on, but i am wishing for the best that everything will go back to the way it was before or even better.

*cross fingers*

Don't do to others what you don't want others do to you

i am very disappointed with myself. there was no reason for me to do such thing and absolutely no reason for me to hurt somebody. i was aware. i had a choice, but i let it happen. why? i don't exactly know. it happened too fast... which i still think that it is not enough to to defend myself because it was wrong. i was wrong. how can i be so stupid? how can i just let myself do this? fuck!

i would like to say sorry and ask for an apology but sorry is not enough. and, i know that accepting an apology from somebody you have hurt you is a long process to fully forget and move on.

shit, camille! what were you thinking?! tanga mo lang. nadala sa emotion? nadala sa 'i feel bad'?

:( i know you are very disappointed in me. i know that it's not very easy to forget and i understand, but i am really, really, really sorry and i wish someday you'll be able to forgive me. i love you, but if you feel like i've hurt you too much and doesn't want this anymore, i'd understand.

I'm Sorry.

First 2 weeks of June

This will probably be Yolec. :)

- - -

Lately, I've been updating my tumblr with quick posts and photos that is why I haven't been updating my blogger. I'm pretty sure most of my readers follow me in tumblr  anyway so most of you are updated. :)

June 2012 started out pretty well! First weekend, I spent it with the YFC. We dressed up as little kids because it was dedicated for the KFCs. Sunday on the other hand, I attended Kris&Martin's dance class for the first time and I enjoyed it! I miss dancing and I really want to be good at it, so I will really my best to attend most of their classes. :)

Second week of June, I helped out for the Kids for Christ's GA on Saturday. It was my first time ever to serve for the Kids and I am so glad that I did. We Moved Moved with the kids and played games for them. After the GA, Martin, JP, Jedrek, Marimar, Elcy and I decided to hit Bubble Queen and grab some Bubble Tea. Fun conversation we had there and I hope there's apart two which I am sure there is! :)

On Sunday, I went to the dance class again and this time I think I am more comfortable compared to last week's. I think it's because I was able to hang out with the YFCs that I am a lot more open and makulit na. After a few hours, I went to the Night Market again and this time it was with Jhanina, Kim, Justine, Jeri and Rajb. Later that night, we also met with Chang and Ryan at NM. They drove me home while they went drinking at some bar.

I'm hoping for more fun weekends for the rest of the month, and of course for the next coming months! July is near and I feel like there will be more events with family, yfc, and friends. I'm stoked!

Alright! That's it for now! Good night!

Smiles all over

I just need to blog this and keep this story forever in my blog!

did this pose to imitate haze's cousin's commercial: http://youtu.be/-rMtMH46_LE (0:10)

My friends, the Endique sisters - Joanne, Haze, Ate Mag, and Jolly have a cousin who is a commercial model in the Philippines. (you can watch this too)

Anyway, I was at work today when I saw this family with a pretty cute son (lol). At first, I didn't want to take their order – why? because I'm being maarte and I might make a mistake in front of him! ARTE! hahahaha so I helped out Sunny/Sandy for their order. However, I ended up taking their order din naman.

I tried my very best not to stare at him so it wouldn't be obvious. I was even denying that it might not be the person that I thought he would be. I was hesitant at first, but I couldn't help myself and just asked him if he was Hazel's cousin. Surprisingly, he said yes!

mi: hey, are you hazel endique's cousin?
andre: yes, i am! how did you know her?
mi: through joanne!
andre: oh really? nice! what's your name?
mi: camille *shook hands*
mi: wait what's yours?
*he stared at me like I wasn't listening or something, and OMG I felt so embarrassed, but I just kept guessing his name! LOL*
mimi: andre-?
andre: Andre!
mi: oh yeah, yeah! *grinning* te, feeling ko halata talaga na ang saya ko! shet!
*took their order, confirmed it, gave back his money*
andre: wait, so how did you know her?
mi: joanne... joanne's friend! oh, i'll tell you later!


*went to their table to serve their food*
mi: here's your order. :) thank you! *looking down, trying to not expect that he would talk to me, but he did!*
andre: wait, so how did you meet them again?
mi: through joanne's friend actually!
andre: do you still see them?
mi: yeah! i actually saw joanne last weekend. we usually see each other every 2 weeks or so.
andre: ohh nice nice!
mi: alright! anyway, nice to meet you!
andre: you too!

TE, I SWEARRRRR!!!! KILIG TO THE BONNNNNESSSSSS! 
I don't know if I was kinikilig because he was a model/commercial model in the Philippines or because he's gwapo... or because I finally met Andre E.? Shet. I really think I have a weak heart for cute/gwapo guys. OMG.

That's my story. Haha! Totally made my day. I hope to meet him again! Lol.

I just spoke to Joanne kanina and she said sasama daw niya ako the next time they'll meet AE's family! Haha No worries, boypren AE's taken! =)) I heard he's also in a LDR ee.

Teehee! That's all! Good night!

6 Randoms

• I really dislike it whenever a pub plays a fun/danceable song when my friends and I are about to leave the place. Like SERIOUSLY?! >:/
• Sometimes I still wonder what my life would be like if I went to UST and pursued pre-school education? 
• Whenever I flick through the channels and i see Phineas and Ferb, yun lagi pinipili ko kasi I know Yolec watches it! Am i sweet?! :D Pero I don't really watch it! 
• I discovered a new love in Mrs. Field's packed cookies where you can buy in any convenient/supermarket stores and eating it with any ice cream! I find myself having this almost every after meal in a day!
• I like road trips, but I don't like being in a car/bus for too long. I get dizzy all the time!

Frustrated Morning

Won't go into the details, but I am hoping for the rest of the day. I just have to let go, move on, and welcome the beautiful weather of Vancouver!

☀ ☺ ♡

▼

Surprise! Surprise! Just when I was feeling down, somebody messaged me on facebook telling me he "MiMiss" mee! :) 

Nakakamiss na ang mga friendship! I am still crossing my fingers for my trip this year! Kahit maextend basta same year! 

/I thought I will blog more but I think I will leave this for now. I will save the other entries for later! I gotta run some errands before my night shift tonight! Chao!

▼

P.S. Changed my url into porcelain-star.blogspot.com! I finally was able to put some thought on this! :)

1020pm

mi: okay, we'll talk later na lang.
yo: oh why? where are you?
mi: i'm home na from work.
yo: ah okay... mag sleep ka na lang muna.
mi: SLEEP?! maaga paa!
yo: anong maaga! 9 na!
mi: noooo! 10:20pm!
yo: tingnan mo 10 na you can sleep!
mi: nooo! it's too early!
yo: *laugh* ocge na nga!
mi: uy later haaa? go ol earlier!
yo: yes, i will.

When I got home, I received a message from Yolec saying that he wanted us to talk tomorrow morning (or tonight for him) since he has to go to an exhibit later today in the Philippines. I called him up to clarify if it is happening and if ever, he should go online earlier than the usual because I have VO in the morning. Glad that he said he will and I am happy that we're doing good right now. 

Few days ago, I thought about our situation and the things that I've been complaining about. I came to a decision to just accept the things that I dislike because if I push it, I might lose him and his family's boto! haha As much as I would like us to control our relationship, I cannot because we're not married and his family still has the first say for everything! I do not want to be the girl that his family dislike! 

When things don't go the right way, it probably means that there's something better to come, and we/I just have to wait. 

Right? :)

staying strong

"3 months na lang eh!"
"I want to be with you! I want to hug you, kiss you, and just...", he said and paused. Tears started running down his face, and I couldn't help but feel hopeless that I cannot do anything to make him feel better.

I thought I can be positive about it, but no. Called him up once I got home because I wanted to feel closer even if he's so far away. While I was talking to him, I felt like the need of having a boyfriend in the same place as me. I wanted him to cuddle me while I tell him everything that happened at work, I wanted to feel those endless kiss, and I wanted him to just stay by my side. But of course, all those are impossible to work. And, once again, I have to hold everything together and be stronger.

These are the nights when I need my boyfriend. If only I can have one day... one day of of his presence, one day to spend time with him. I really need it, papa God. :(

</3

summer plans

add me in path! :)

Like what I said up there, I am slowly accepting that I may not spend my summer in the Philippines because of our permit rules. It's sad and it makes me upset whenever I think about it, but this doesn't stop me of keeping my hopes high and believe that there's always a time for everything. I know God has His own plans and maybe this isn't my time yet. Maybe there are things that needs to be done before I leave. 

I am still hoping for a chance this time of the year though! 

 - - - 

On the other hand, there are a lot of things that I've been thinking to do and buy this summer! 

To do:

• take summer dance class

• attend more yfc meetings

• go to gym regularly

• practice my design and photography skills

• look for a new job 

• chill at the beach with friends

• night outs 

To buy:

• iPhone

• Dr. Martens

• Jeffrey Campbell wedges

Oh my! Oh my! Who wouldn't want these for summer?! *dyinngg*